Drunk Apples on the NASCAR Tree
By Steve Nash - Staff Writer
05/27/2004

Pat yourself on the back and take another cold one down. Those of you who think throwing stuff on the track is your God given duty in life need be advised: in order to read this column you must be sober.

Anyone with one fifth of a brain knows that throwing stuff on the track before, during, or after the event is idiotic at best. The dangers involved (what if you miss and knock some little kid sitting in the third row?), and the ultimate anti-image that results for NASCAR stems from you, the morons, who have to throw stuff on the track.

Of course, you were angry that your driver didn't win at Talladega; the anger is something that happens and most people were with you after that race.

But, then it was time to throw stuff at Jeff Gordon after California because...well, because you were stone drunk.

And what about after the All-Star race? Did NASCAR somehow cheat Dale, Jr. from winning that race, too? Of course not, but obviously you were displeased enough to hurl full beer cans onto the track and at the winner. It's these people that give the sport the backdoor, inbred, two-watt image that many think of it as. What's sad, is they make up, maybe at most, 2% of the crowd. They're the people that go to the track to drink beer. Nothing less, nothing more. Just drink and chug all day.

Something will be done if you don't stop. Maybe the BYOB rule will be banned, and beer will cost $10 each. Of course, being that you only come to drink beer anyway (and pay $40 to get inside just to drink, come on how stupid can you be?) you are probably fuming right now, if you even know how to read.

How dare I say no more alcohol at the track? Well, I believe in it and I ultimately wish that one day NASCAR can be enjoyed without the bad apples ruining it for us.

I know most fans that drink do it responsibly and are still even-headed after the race, but those morons who have to scream and yell and hollar three hours before the race starts at some pretty young thing walking half a mile away, those idiots that cuss you out for liking another driver, the no-brainiacs that feel they have to ruin everyone else's experience just because they want to have "fun", to those idiots I say leave our sport.

Unfortunately you'll come back, and pay the outrageous ticket prices (one reason why I buy the more expensive seats is to get away from the 2% of the crowd that takes pride in being idiots) just to drink and ruin everybody else's day.

So, again, pat yourself on the back for making the sport just that much worse and the day that much more negative. It's great that you put such a super role model for the very impressionable little kids at the track. You're doing the country proud, your family proud, and your friends proud by being a jackass.

But, you probably passed out after reading one sentence in the column, so it'll still be here when you sober up for a brief few seconds.

You can reach Steve Nash at: snash@catchfence.com