Well Chicago is over with and if my facturin’ is correct we are 7 races away from “The Chase”. I’m not sure I like that 10 race shoot out deal bein’ called “The Chase”. That’s kind of scarey to me. Brings back some real unpleasant memories of when I was a young woman married to, of course, my late husband Elmer. Not that this is important or anything, but since I brought it up, it happened one really hot and humid summer night. You know how it is in the south east …just sticky and nasty. When it’s like that I don’t want anyone to talk to me, let alone scare the dickens outta me like that. It was pert near too hot to sleep. It was late and I had just fallen asleep on the divan. Elmer was in the bedroom asleep cause it was too hot to sleep in that small bed together. Wasn’t gonna happen no how, no way. Next thing you know I heard this loud horn of a sound blowin’. I thought it was Gabriel’s horn blowin’ and callin’ us all home…well if we were goin’ to heaven, that is. I was so scared I took to prayin’ cause I wasn’t all that sure I had been all that good and then I heard a voice sayin’ get out here, so, I went outside, thinkin’ of Gabriel and all. All of a sudden bright lights were in my face. I couldn’t see a thing! Was this heaven? I was prayin’ and a shakin’ and all sorts of things were runnin’ through my poor scared head. Then when the lights went out I took to runnin’ to the woods behind the house. Someone was chasin’ me I think and then I heard laughin’, tires squealin’ and someone yellin’, “Get back in the house woman and for Pete’s sake put some clothes on!” I knew instantly it was Elmer’s always drunk of a worthless brother gettin’ even for a prank Elmer pulled on him the night before. That’s way too long of a story, but, I ran back to the house and ran in the bedroom. Elmer had slept right through the whole blasted thing! Why, I was mad enough to chew nails and spit fire! Let me tell you, I yanked that sucker out of bed and let him have it right up side his sleepy head. I gave him a left then I gave him a right and then I shoved his sleepy butt back in bed and let him have it again! When he woke up next mornin’, he didn’t seem to remember a thing, but I will say this, some men do look good in black and blue. From that day to this, those sure have been some of my favorite colors, let me tell you that! But, none of that is neither here nor there, so, back to the important subjects at hand.
First off Mark Martin. I do believe we’ve covered that subject previously, but, a short refresher course is warranted in my “this here is my column” opinion. Well that and the fact that the man won Saturday night at Chicago. Did my heart a world of good, I’ll tell you that right now. That man reminds me of someone special from my past, ya know, but I won’t go there again at this time. But listen up loyal readers and those who may be newbies, that man has 4 wins this season. 4! More than any other driver. Of course Tony sits 1st in the points standings, which is a wonderful thing, but I still just wonder (and no one answered me the last time I asked so help me here someone) if Mark won this or any other future year’s Cup championship, would he be the oldest driver ever to win a Cup Championship title? Wouldn’t bother me one little bit, I’ll tell you that right now. Of course that Tony is just so adorable so he could win another as far as I am concerned. Have you seen his commercial with the girl wrapped tightly around his waist and kissin’ his whole face over and over and over again? Oh to be a young woman again, but, alas it is just not meant to be, unless of course your name is Benjamin Buttons, but, then again, I want to be young as in 25…not some diaper wearin’, spittin’ up baby for cryin’ out loud. Oh well, sometimes life could be a bit on the better side. Know what I mean ? Anyway, that is neither here nor there either, but it sure is note worthy. Frankly I wish several drivers I find, uh facinatin’, great luck such as dear Mark and Tony. Now, wait a minute. I should invite Mark for a sit down dinner, too. My bad! Same offer as I gave Tony, Mark…rabbit and dumplins, buttermilk cornbread, pickled corn and shelley beans, dear. Of course, you both could come at the same time. We can eat, talk and party way in to the night, I mean, talk racin’ way in to the night. Know what I mean? Ya’ll call me now, hear? It’s an open invite.
Next up Kurt Busch, better known as this weeks “Cry Baby Award Winner”. Might ought to make that a regular part of my column every week. I’ll think on it some. Anyway, Kurt dear, Jimmie got loose when Jeffie passed him. He drifted up into you, Kurtness. It was not intentional, as far as I could see. And who in the devil made you the big stuff who decides who has the “ability to be a three-time champion on the track” anyway? Hello there Mr. “I sure showed everyone how important I am in Phoenix a few years ago.” And while that really doesn’t have anything to do with this particular event, it does show a penchant you have for shootin’ off your mouth before thinkin’ much, now doesn’t it? Here is a mathematical fact for ya, Kurt, honey. Jimmie curently and definitely has the “ability to be a three-time champion on the track”, because, dear, HE IS! Now here is another mathematical fact for you, sweetie. You currently have the ability to be a “one time champion on the track”. That amounts to you bein’ a “1/3 as much as Jimmie Johnson champion on the track”, Kurtie dear. Well that and you’re a sore loser. Listen honey, stinky stuff happens sometimes. Why not show everyone what you are really made of and stop this cry baby stuff. It’s just down right ugly. Might do your little brother a bit of good to see how takin’ it like a man is done, too. Sure couldn’t hurt, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean don’t ya? Anyway, it’s just a suggestion Kurt, so end of discussion, until next time, of course.
Now for Jimmie. I pretty much covered him already, too. That whole incident was a racin’ deal. But Jimmie does remind me so much of a young man I knew many years ago by the strange name of Asterick. Apparently his mother mistakenly thought she had seen that name in the bible, but, she remembered after it was already on the birth certificate and too late to change it, that it was the dictionary where she read it. I just called him Rick so as not to embarrass him like most of those cruel boys around there did. You know how some young people can be. I’m not tryin’ to be’ ugly here, but, some of them just called him As (pronounced you know how)!. Mean nasty spirited things! I don’t know why I am tellin’ you this. I guess it’s just because Jimmie reminds me so much of Asterick. He was so good lookin’ that I truly believe he could have been the next James Dean, but sadly he met an untimely end, bless his heart, tryin’ to out run he law, just for fun I am told. He lost control of his ’48 Chevrolet, I think it was, and crashed straight through the wall of our local library. They tell me he ended on the aisle with, can you believe this, the dictionaries! Very tragic story, but that’s neither here nor there. RIP Rickie honey. End of discussion.
Next up accordin’ to the title of this article is a million dollars. Congratulations all over the place to a couple by the name of Musgrave. They’re from Colorado apparently. How nice for them! They picked Mark and Jeffie to place 1st and 2nd and they did. Now, here is somethin’ nice to think about, rich people from Colorado…if you are (or even if you aren’t) related to Ted Musgrave, why not give that boy the money to run a GOOD car in Cup, just for the hell of it.(not a bad word any more accordin’ to several sources) That would just do my heart a world of good, I’ll tell you that much right now. It sure would be nice to give him one last Cup hurrah. Know what I mean? I’m tryin’ to have your back, Teddie. Hope that works out, dear. Give me a call anytime, honey, and we can discuss it. Maybe we can do dinner or somethin’, too. Later if and when you like, sweetums. I do so love that man’s smile. Lord have mercy!
As for the “other stuff”, well, I’m tired now so that will have to wait until next time. I think rememberin’ poor handsome Asterick took somethin’ major out of me for today. All of that sort of reminds me of another guy with a strange name in our town. His last name was Tables, but, we may discuss him at a later date if the occasion arises. We’re not proud of this bad one around these parts. You’ve probably read about him, anyway. He was in the news a lot quite awhile back, but, I’ve shared enough tragic tales for this writin’, anyway. Thanks again loyal readers for the comments and emails. Annabelle, dear, again I am so very sorry for the mixup. I didn’t mean to send my response for you to your husband. I would almost never do that on purpose, sweetie, but, perhaps it is better to let him know when you win at Bingo next time. After all Annabelle, that man has worked hard his whole life to support your skanky ol’ self and deserves a penny or two to spend on some fun of his own instead of all your bills, dear. Know what I mean? Keep the email comin’ folks, but, give me appropriate time to answer. I’m a busy woman, as many of y’all know and remember I do real good love advice and picklin’ recipes, but, I truly do just stink when it comes to keepin’ dirty little secrets. Huh, Annabelle?
‘Til next time, go, go go!
